IF HE ONLY HAD A BRAIN

Rocks In Head

I could while away the hours
Conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain
And my head I'd be scratching'
While my thoughts were busy hatching'
If I only had a brain
~Scarecrow, ‘The Wizard of Oz’

If during the past couple of years you were busy trying to keep your job so you could put food on the table, you may have missed the saga of three Americans who found themselves in an Iranian prison because they wandered across the border from Iraq to Iran, which evidently did not please the Iranian government. Safely back in America after two years of imprisonment, one of the hikers, Shane Bauer promptly announced his ability to learn absolutely nothing by prattling on about “political prisoners and other unjustly imprisoned people in America and Iran."

As much as I would like to dissect the abundant stupidity in virtually everything Mr. Bauer says or does, this is a blog, not a life project. Still, it is difficult when faced with such exasperating nonsense not to make a few observations:

1. It would be hard to find a grade-schooler who thought it a good idea to go hiking in northern Iraq, but a 30-year-old with a degree in “Peace and Conflict Studies” (Berkeley, natch) and his two equally addle-headed friends apparently thought it would turn out just dandy. Apparently, Bauer and his female hiking-cum-prison companion are now engaged. Let us hope they are too busy photojournaling and social-justicing to breed, or Idiocracy will have been a documentary.

2. The great irony of a screaming liberal like Bauer claiming that America has political prisoners (you know---Guantanimo, because the prisoners there who would love to saw his head off haven’t been tried in American courts and have been so horribly deprived that they have gained an average of 20 pounds, and stuff) is that listening to their rhetoric, the Left seems awfully eager to do violence to those who disagree with their totalitarian fantasies.

3. The moral callousness of a man who can listen to the nightly screams of fellow prisoners undergoing genuine torture (not the stuff liberals think of as torture, like not getting to continue publishing state secrets on Wikileaks and being forced to sleep in the nude in your private cell) and equate their treatment to that of the fatties at GTMO is deeply despicable.

4. The profound ingratitude of a man who races back to freedom, then promptly starts lecturing the citizens of the freest and greatest country on earth that Iran and America are politically and morally equivalent, is exceeded only by his sheer idiocy.

5. It is insulting that the Iranian government thinks the government of the United States of America is so inept that we sent the politically-correct equivalent of the Three Stooges to do our spying. They believe this is the best we could do in a nation of 300 million people? We ought to bomb them just for that.

The next time some perpetual adolescent decides to prove his liberal bona fides by waltzing about the globe taking pictures and yammering about social justice and subsequently gets nabbed by America-hating goons, we ought to send them a gift card saying, “He’s all yours. May he be as great a blessing to you as he was to us.”


~Shyla Lefever